peeperjj's Journal, 26 Nov 18

Hang in there! :) 

Thanks! On my 4th cup of coffee. A friend called so I got a lot of it out. Then it was too late for me to text anything which is a good thing. I get upset then say things that are better left quiet. Now I can read and de stress tonight. I’m making plans for tomorrow to try and fill my day so that I don’t think about it. It’ll involve a lot of sitting on my butt on the phone and reading then some housework. Will probably journal in my notebook tonight too. That helps but with a nosy hubby and kids I don’t do it much. Some things should be private and someone usually ‘accidentally’ sees it when looking for a piece of paper or when it ‘just falls open’  

Sure hope you have a better day today. ❤  

Thank you :). It’ll be a challenging day I think. Second thing hubby said to me this morning was about some changes we have to make now regarding this. Then he talked to my oldest assuring her it’s not her fault and not to speak to them if we see them today. That way we can handle it and she doesn’t have to. She’s 12 for goodness sakes and shouldn’t be repeatedly asked ‘why don’t you want me there? What did I do that’s so bad?’. Long story made super short, 8-11 years compressed into one sentence: they shouldn’t have made her feel inferior all this time because she was born female and they shouldn’t constantly tell her someone else is better at things when she brags about her grades or sports. Now you can see why I want to smack them lol. Instead I’m having yet another cup of coffee, a protein bar and will get busy/read FS so that I can concentrate on things that are worthy of my attention.  

Peep, do you ever get to be yourself? I understand that parenting is a joint effort, been married 37 years and have felt like a single parent at times, especially when the kids were school age like your older ones. I do know that each parent does developed somewhat of a separate relationship with each child. I would hate to think you don't have a voice (of your own) when it comes to how you want to raise your children. I apologize if I am over stepping, it's just that I hear your frustration in some of your posts. I know that you use this site as a safe place to vent your frustration, so I don't want to add fuel to the fire or make you feel worse. I know that when I was about your age, my happiness and self-worth was not the greatest and I felt like I spent years fighting to be my own person. With that said, I now know that it all gets better. ❤  

I’ve dealt with things like this for almost 13 years and similar things for the 3 years prior to that. It IS a crutch, venting here. My counselor says to just say no and stick to it. However now they have brought the family farm into it, changed things and want to bring the rest of the family into it. It’s none of their business! So now hubby made it all or nothing. They do as we say or they lose us and the kids. He’s tired of being manipulated and I’m tired of my kids being hurt. Say and do what you want to me but leave my kids alone 😉.  

Oh Becca lol. I would bet there isn’t a person alive who knows ‘me’. My mom did but we lost her Aug 2013. That’s the bad thing. I vented to her and we were so much alike in so many ways that she just got it. When she passed I lost the one person who would tell me like it is, who I could vent to, the one I could truly let down my guard with and let loose and the one person who truly uunderstood me. It was just us for most of 6-7 years. We clashed a lot but a week later and all was well. That’s not the same with even hubby. Everyone wants the fake me. The happy person who can do anything and handle anything and does it with a smile. Nobody wants the depression, anxiety or moods so I internalize all of that as much as I can.  

As for parenting I pretty much do it all. Hubby would rather not deal with that stuff. I do run ideas by him so that we are on the same page. He usually just says to do whatever. He never had parenting as a kid and was let run wild because they were too busy with his older siblings so I think he’s really uncomfortable with it. He has to be mad or frustrated before he will set a consequence so I like to have a few on hand that are reasonable depending on the offense. Can’t think of a better word :/. My me time is FS, a massage every 6 weeks or so, weekly counseling and reading when I get the chance. Although with his family threats we may have more time on our hands soon. If so maybe I can start going to the gym again and riding the horses. Did I answer your question? I’m exhausted and not really thinking clearly lol.  

I'm so sorry about you losing your mother. ❤ Peep, you have a lot going on. I didn't mean to butt into your business, I just feel for you because you go through so much. I am happy to hear that your husband is taking a stand with his family with them trying to manipulate him and your family. Thank you for the explanation. You are doing an amazing job with taking care of yourself as well as your family. I hope you are able to get back to the gym and your horses soon. I appreciate your complete openness and honesty. Two attributes rarely seen on social media. ❤ 

Yw Becca! You aren’t butting in. It’s nice that you were concerned 😉. And ty. Lost Dad August 2011, Mom August 2013 and my stepdad June 2015, started surgeries 5/2016, found cancer 11/2/2016, finished chemo 3/27/17. It’s been a rough few years without all the fighting on both sides. I could easily become a heavy drinker just to relax which is why I avoid alcohol mostly lol. Keeping it in, keeping busy, focusing on my diet all help.