FullaBella's Journal, 13 Mar 13

AGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

The only food, health, and physical references I can make in this journal are: I haven't lost or gained any weight this week but I don't feel like clicking on the red FS link telling me to 'Weigh in Now!'; despite the sh*t storm of annoyances flowing my way I am still eating healthy & mindfully; despite the fact that I just want to crawl in bed and pull the blanket over my head I am still treadmilling and taking care of life; despite the reason I enjoyed walking the three blocks to & from the police department (to file my identity theft report) instead of driving; despite all of this I haven't binged although I wanted to eat the walls last night when I came home from the baseball game (because I was freezing) and the only thing keeping me from chewing valium like chicklets is I don't have any.

The rest is a rambling rant so read on at your own interest and comment as you please. There will be no pop quiz afterward.

Bullet points of the carnage swirling in Bellawood today:

* To the person who invented the automated phone answering system, I'd like to dip you in honey and plant you on an ant hill. What say we put all those unemployed folks to work answering PHONES?

* To the recording on the phone thanking me for my patience and assuring me my call is very important to you, I don't believe you anymore. You're a liar. Else, you'd hire an unemployed person to answer your phone.

* To the nitwit who used my SSN to file an IRS return knowing it wasn't your number, really, what WERE you thinking?

* To the IRS, I realize you pull your jeans on one leg at a time just like me, but for goodness sakes, if you can reject my electronic claim within literally SECONDS of submission with the determination my number has already been used, why can't you, uh, help? I mean, seriously, *I* have had this number for 40 years; isn't that enough to tell you someone else messed up?

* To the police officer who refused to take my SSN WHILE I was at 'your office' did you really think if I'm there filing an identity theft claim I'd give you the number on the phone when you phoned me back? Was that a test? Where the heck are you? You were supposed to come here & get it!

* To my grandson's baseball team: if Nana is going to skip dinner and freeze her flabby butt off on those really uncomfortable cold metal bleachers the least you guys can do is not lose by double digits - geez, that was embarrassing.

* To the touchy Baseball mom's who took offense at my laughing, lighten UP for goodness sakes. It's a GAME. I thought heckling was allowed! When exactly did the 'batter batter batter swing!' chant become forbidden?

* To the accounting firm that now insists I pay for my hardcopy return up front ($900!) because you can't get 'yours' first now that you can't file on me electronically despite over three decades of doing business with you, well, the only thing stopping me from continuing with comments is concern with how the FCC would handle the profanity in my journal.

* To the Federal Trade Commission - seriously, what exactly is it you do?

* To the Credit Bureau - ditto what I said about the FTC.

* To the SSA - seriously, when ISN'T there a very long wait to talk to a live person?

* To the rest of the world ... seriously... I want a break. A spring break! The sun is shining, I'm stuck inside enduring customers treating me like I just got promoted from 'mop-girl' instead of 'owner' and I only have so much tolerance for that today.

* To the salespeople who walk in ignoring the 'no soliciting sign', take one look at me and ask for the Manager and/or Owner... why do you instantly assume incorrectly that couldn't possibly be me?

* To the phone: please stop ringing. I don't want to update my small business ad, enroll to take credit cards, participate in a google survey or any other reasons your.. oh, yeah, see #1, automated phone systems are contacting me... I have to endure that enough just mopping up my identity theft problem.

Ok - those are the bullet points. If you read them all, well, you either really love, like and care about me or you have a morbid curiosity, LOL. So let me entertain you by telling you, ironically, this isn't my first experience with identity issues. I should be a pro at it by now but the rules keep changing.

But I warn you - very long story ahead. So take a nature call and pack a healthy lunch if you plan to read.

My first experience with identity issues was in my early 20's. No, this isn't when I ran off to backpack through Europe to 'find myself'. I've yet to have the time to do THAT.

Somehow my personal information was comingled with the most ironic and constantly surprising results. My doppleganger was apparently a mover & shaker who had varying moments of wealth and poverty. And I suspect, at some point, incarceration.

Sometimes it was really cool. I was a single woman working two jobs while putting myself through college, renting a crappy apartment, driving a POS used car and eating chicken bologna and drinking kool-aid if I had a good 'tip' night at my bartending job. When *I* personally applied for credit you could practically hear the sirens sound. Shamrock Gas, JCPenny, and Discover snickered at my application.

Yet, within a month, my mailbox held the most delicious array of credit cards issued in my name. The good stuff. Neimans, Saks, Bloomingdales, Shell, Fina, Texaco, American Express, 3 different Visa's, 2 Mastercards and 2 Diner's Club just to name a few. You know those photowallets that flip out like an accordian? I had one and it still wouldn't hold all of the cards.

I knew it was a fluke. But the allure of having nearly a million dollar credit line :: of which half a million was CASH:: ((and mind you, this was in the 80's when that was good money!!)) all at my calloused unmanicured fingertips was amusing and intoxicating.

I predicted if I EVER tried to use one of the cards they'd send a fleet of security after me. But after a while, I had to try.

So I started small. A pair of $10 sandals at Payless... card accepted. Really? So I moved on... a pair of pumps at Montgomery Wards... still accepted. Not sure why just shoes other than I'm a woman or subconsciously I knew I'd need something to wear if I had to go on the lam.

My heart raced... and I took my little purchases home and left them, tags, bags and receipts in the closet for a month. I kept waiting for the men in reflecting sun shades to show up on my doorstep with handcuffs and demand their return.

Nothing, nada, zip.

So the bills arrived.

I paid them off.

Still, nothing.

So I decided to try out the Saks & Bloomie's card - wondering if the doorman would even let me inside. Wowza, what a shopping experience! No blue light specials or dollar bins there, by golly. Interesting.

So for a couple of months, the plastic got quite the workout; even to the point that Highroller Bella treated her friends to a roundtrip flight to Vegas for a little afternoon snack & entertainment.

Then THOSE bills came. And as I looked at the balances I got a quick lesson in revolving credit hell. But all was well, as far as the banks were concerned. Max out your limit? No worry, we'll RAISE it.

No, I didn't max out a million dollars - I only maxed one card. The letter from the bank raising the limit was like a financial game of chicken, ala, 'betcha can't spend more...' I could see how some people really get in trouble with that stuff ~ the allure is worse than the smell of grilled onions and mustard to me.

At the same time, though, my DG apparently hit a financial low. I thought maybe it went to prison because I came home from work one night to find my utilities had been cut off and a stack of NSF notices from the bank.

NO, *I* didn't over draw my account - a freeze had been placed on it ((which they, like the IRS this time, could not explain)). It took nearly a week to get the 'gas' turned back on. So all this hot water yet I'm taking cold showers!

Even more frustrating was my existence was being erased. This occurred the same week as I attempted to enroll my junior year and was refused certain courses due to the absence of prerequisites. I had to bring a hard copy transcript to get my educational status reinstated.

I decided to stop playing with fate. I cancelled all of the credit cards and paid off the existing balances as quickly as possible short of dining at a soup kitchen. Life went back to normal. No more Vegas buddies or bicoastal luncheons.

Years later, I met MH. As things moved toward serious, I think the 'frank and candid financial disclosure discussion' actually took longer than the 'frank and candid sexual disclosure discussion'. After all, I hit my youth the same time 'AIDS' hit the headlines. No one knew what caused it or how to prevent catching it so we were told 'just, don't touch anything or anyone for now... okay?'

I share this to explain that when MH & I married, we were advised to establish 'joint' credit. Although I wanted to stay off the radar of my financial doppleganger I consented. Thankfully I'd shared the story of my crazy credit history with MH else he'd have thought he'd married a con artist.

Right out of the box, first application, the bank officer responded, 'Well, Ms. Bella, we'd love to make you a small home improvement loan if you could first explain how you plan to repay the outstanding $250k on that loan at Bank of X...'

Back to the credit bureau with my shaggy broom.

So despite the random car note here or visa card there, MH and I have proceeded throughout our marriage in a 'cash or personal notes when possible' basis. So it's been 20 plus years since I had to deal with this type thing but it's not my first rodeo.

However, as I've never had a 'tax return' issue we're no longer dealing with a simple credit bureau. This moves things up to a whole new level. Time to up my game.

Batter up! Swing!

Thanks for reading,

Bella

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1388 kcal

Fat: 63.01g | Prot: 99.95g | Carbs: 104.74g.   Breakfast: Onion, Spinach, Turkey, Butter Land O Lakes, Sartori , Egg, Sauerkraut Libby. Lunch: Celery, Wholly Guacamole, Tonnino Tuna. Dinner: Fage , Chicken Breast, Hunts Diced Tomato, Campbell's Chicken Broth, Calif Blend, Tortellini Schwans. Snacks/Other: Stupid Girl Scout Cookies, Toddler Cookie Attack, Ugh! Seriously?! Cookies??. more...

2058 kcal

Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...