DAZEY_iz_Well's Journal, 06 Aug 23

🫶🏼 

I appreciate it moko.  

Well you sound a lot like me actually. I’m pretty much a homebody. I actually don’t like leaving home and pretty much only go to medical appointments. I’m naturally an introvert and I get tired of talking. Sounds weird I know. But I can put up a good facade when I must. I’ve had cancer and chemotherapy and now a rare immune deficiency disease. I understand what you mean though - most people don’t understand. 

Sending a hug and a prayer, whichever you want or need. Many of us can relate. Take care.  

cjgriffith1- yes. Isolation takes it toll. I justified it cuz of having an infant in a slightly dangerous city with a large population amongst COVID, which created alot of fear of being sick. (I call him my husband since he calls me his wife, but we are technically still engaged..) He worked at a prison and put a lot of fear in me about the type of men out there in that city especially with my past, exploiting my fears of going out to do something.. I wasn't able to make friends. "I'm trying to find you friends" is what he told me yet he has cheated on me... There's stonewalling and emotional neglect- I've put on a mask for so long especially with my abusive childhood, and then an even worse abusive relationship in the past... It's easy for me to do. I'm lost about what to do now that I've accepted that is is happening... I've stopped blaming myself and my mental health since I'm actually healing my trauma. I've talked with his mom and she's understanding and listens... her ex husband was the same way for 40+years of their marriage, so there's a lot of similarities.... 

No one should be putting fear into you about going out into the world. That definitely seems like controlling and isolating behavior. Everyone needs to interact with people outside of their significant other. “I’m trying to find you friends” is a strange thing to say. No one can find friends for you. Trust your intuition about your relationship and your current isolation. It seems like you have been manipulated into no longer trusting your own feelings. Your female intuition is a very important tool. Embrace it. Nurture it. LISTEN TO IT. Go out into the world. It’s not as dangerous as you think. Make your own friends. You are more than a fiancé. You deserve more. You will only be alone if you allow others to isolate you. ❤️ 

Thanks. I literally don't know how to human anymore... And the one adult I see on a daily basis could care less about communication with me.. it hurts. I've tried to talk about it but he straight up said he doesn't see the point in talking about us.. 

If he doesn’t want to talk about your relationship or validate your feelings then that means he doesn’t want to put in the bare minimum of effort to care for you or your relationship. He’s a terrible partner. He has isolated you from the world, cheated on you and doesn’t even want to communicate with you. You deserve better. Please be honest with yourself and demand that your partner work to change or leave him. You’ll never flourish in such a relationship. You are capable of SO MUCH MORE. I only say these things because these are the things that a real friend would say to you.  

ReverseCosmosis thanks truly appreciate the insight. I've been battling this for 2 weeks now trying to understand it. My therapist said "I think you already know what to do but haven't come to terms with it yet" my ADHD is like "yo, I know the answer but don't know answer....what!!" Trusting my own intuition is a tough thing when it's been suppressed for a long time. It's hard to give up when I've been taught to beg and accept the breadcrumbs and savor them. 

Dazey you deserve sooooo much more than breadcrumbs ❤️ 

cindylynnwho- I'm realizing this!! 

While it is difficult to open up especially after a season of abuse or non-support, it is by far better to take the risk (be open). Those who are supportive and honest you retain. because much like crowds, social media has its yea-sayers (no matter what you say they will tell you how wonderful you are), its nay-sayers (no matter how well you do they will tell you how horrible you are), its indifferent (they have a need your presence meets but not really care), and those who are honest (their assessments will be blunt from their point of view and may hurt or heal but it is with care they write). The problem is determining the motives of the people who write on your wall. Is it out of care for you as a valuable individual or just trying to manipulate you? The last is always answered by their interaction with you over time. Treat your relationships as a garden. Some are flowers you have to fertilize with time and word...others are weeds that need to be removed from your life (garden). In the end you are the gardener. Now as to your post, the outer shell is a reflection of your inner self (how you value yourself). Work on the three together and the results will be positive. Make certain your support system is just that -- a support system for you. That said, the journey is half the fun...and keep trying you will get there. (the grammar and misspellings are completely my own and welcome to the journey)