|
Today is my stepdads bday. He would’ve been 69 today. Also this month, my dad would’ve been 67 and mom would’ve been 57.
Today marks two years since my last chemo.
My counselor thinks the chemo thing is what’s bothering me. It’s not. This is just me. Perhaps bipolar isn’t the correct diagnosis. Hot cold, happy sad, normal to skin crawling... don’t care why but I wish it would stop lol.
Now the biggie. I found a few hard places last night. Today I checked and sure enough there is a lump on the right side. The traitorous side that wanted to kill me before. About the same area one of the tumors was at I believe. Cancer? Cyst? Scar tissue? Fat necrosis? Am I freaking out? Nope. Will I freak out later if I can’t sleep? Yep lol.
Now I need to figure out who to call. My oncologist will probably tell me to see my GP first. GPs don’t have cancer training though and this was admitted to me by my last dr. Those scans I’ve been asking about, that they refused to give me, will probably happen now. My anxiety doesn’t allow for comfortable phone conversations about stressful issues so I put it off for today. Now my teenager has strep so I’ll use that as an excuse tomorrow I’m sure. Depression has me looking at my pocket knife and wondering if I’d make a good surgeon. Anxiety has me worried I might just try it. Reminding myself that I can handle a lot of pain without meds is probably different than being cut open without meds is probably totally different lol. For once I’d like to give in to anxiety and depression because I want this thing outta me! Thinking it’s a fat necrosis (most likely) is keeping me sane. Thinking possible recurrence makes me feel ill and want it out! So for now it’s fat necrosis. Just typing that makes me feel better.
Cause I’m totally inappropriate haha... Right now I wish I was a high class call girl. I could find a doctor who wanted to play with the fake boobs and while he’s at it he could tell me what it is lol. So totally inappropriate but my mom and uncle would be cracking up haha. If it offends ya, sorry. Not really but gotta day it ;).
Off to keep my mind busy. Perhaps another snickers, or the leftover pizza, or games, or tv, or... I’ll find something! Some of y’all are worried right now. Don’t be! I’m good! Just needing to get this off my chest (haha pun not intended). Hubby locked up my last painkillers so no real threat of self surgery! (Joking... thinking it and doing it are way different for me).
|
1477 kcal
|
Fat: 90.39g | Prot: 47.53g | Carbs: 123.72g.
Lunch: Applebee's Garlic Mashed Potatoes, Red Lobster Center - Cut NY Strip Steak, House Salad, Hidden Valley The Original Ranch, Texas Roadhouse Fried Pickles. Dinner: Snickers Snickers Bar (1.86 oz), Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuit. Snacks/Other: Snickers Snickers Bar (1.86 oz). more...
|
|
 Comments
She did say that I did the right thing by calling them this soon after finding it. She kept saying scar tissue likely but they will want a physical exam for sure. No mention of scans. Just said be seen and do an exam then go from there. Said not to worry and kinda chuckled (she just remember me lol I’m a worrier).
28 Mar 19 by member: peeperjj
|
Thoughts and prayers are with you!!
28 Mar 19 by member: Jeff Minthorn
|
Lol ok Chris I will! I have chickens so I’m sure one will hurt a foot at some point ;). I’ll call you if we don’t eat it first.
28 Mar 19 by member: peeperjj
|
Update: Thanks for the prayers and encouraging words! Oncology nurse called back about an hour ago. My oncologist wants an ultrasound but insists on it being there rather than here. The reasoning is because if they find anything or have any question then they’ll do a biopsy immediately. No making another appt or even waiting until later that day. She stressed that the oncologist thinks it’s probably scar tissue and doesn’t want me to worry AT ALL until we know more. They’ve told me previously that they tend to lean toward stress being a big part of cancer. Not exactly sure if it causes cancer but it sure doesn’t help it and may cause it to grow faster because of the mental stress that puts physical stress on our bodies. I tend to agree. The last time she said don’t stress they found cancer. Not exactly reassuring this time lol. Relieved at this moment just because they should call tomorrow or Monday to set it up and usually can get people in within a week when necessary. They said they were going to ask for a week or less. Again, doesn’t inspire confidence in the scar tissue theory lol. BUT, I should know before Easter I’d think. A week minimum and 3 weeks maximum. 7-10 days if they need to watch it grow like my previous tumors plus time to schedule and time to read the results and call me.
28 Mar 19 by member: peeperjj
|
Also... doesn’t inspire confidence yet again that they are bypassing me having a physical exam AND seeing the new surgeon. I’m going with “he’s too busy or on vacation right now and can’t fit me in”. The oncologist does clinicals too so she’s probably busy with that tomorrow and Monday so would rather get it scheduled. Her nurse and PA must be super busy too as to not do the exam. Yeah, don’t burst my bubble lol. I’m totally gonna believe that until bedtime when my mind always races. Tonight may be a beer before bed night to get me to sleep before the thoughts start! Man those doctors must be super busy 😜
28 Mar 19 by member: peeperjj
|
Thinking of you. Never conclude until you know either way. Rest your mind. Relax. Sleep. And I’ll pray for you that it IS scar tissue. Much love as I’m sure it’s easy for me to say all this you’d think, but I’ve been there, mine ended up not being cancer, but I understand the turmoil mentally very well!!❤️❤️❤️
29 Mar 19 by member: wifey9707
|
Thanks wifey! Honestly I’m not worried yet and normally I’d be by this time of night. Worried a hit today but they didn’t call. No sense in worrying because I know they can’t call until Monday now 😉. I do check it every few hours without thinking about it. Probably not worrying because I didn’t sleep well last night. 3 hour nap today and I’m still exhausted. Have a feeling I’ll crash tonight and sleep 12 hours. One can hope! Oldest at a sleepover and the two youngest, 10&4, have been instructed not to wake me up until after 10am! They can get cereal and stuff on their own plus hubby rarely sleeps past 6am or so. Tomorrow morning is my day off ;).
29 Mar 19 by member: peeperjj
|
Peeper ❤️❤️❤️❤️. Sending so much love your way. After my chemo the oncologist told me to just let it all go. Every friggen time i took a shower or put on lotion I would check my neck shoulder and arm put (that’s where my lymphoma went from my chest). Every time I would go in it was nothing. I like you decided to just stop worrying but it was hard. Take care of you lady. I’m sure you have been through hell and back—that’s what it does to us. But you’re kicking ass and takin names. ❤️❤️❤️💪💪💪💪
29 Mar 19 by member: g_ortegam
|
You gals are so young to go through this. ❤ I had mine almost 20 years ago and still that's where my mind goes whenever I feel something different. God bless you both. ❤
29 Mar 19 by member: Becc@
|
Peeper it’s espeically hard for me as well because like you both of my parents are deceased and I just recently lost my sister who was 34. I got diagnosed young (25). It puts your whole life upside down. And once you’re done—there’s always that worry. I have such love for you lady ! Here if you ever need anything 🤗🤗🤗
30 Mar 19 by member: g_ortegam
|
| |
|
|
| |
Submit a Comment
You must sign in to submit a comment. Click here to sign in.
|
|
|
peeperjj's Weight History
|