Debbie Cousins's Journal, 20 Feb 24

All so very sad. 

I agree. Very sad.  

I think your rules are reasonable and your daughter needs to realize how much you have done for her and be grateful to you instead of being rude. I'm not that much older than her (44) and I would never treat my parents that way. However, I understand what you are going through as I have a 20 year old daughter who didn't like our rules and now doesn't talk to us. It is hard. I hope things improve for you. 

Debbie if drugs are not involved then she is just an entitled human being. Sometimes they have to learn the hard way. If your granddaughter refuses to see her that will be very sad for you but you cannot give in to blackmail nor emotional extortion. That would be setting a terrible example to the grandchild of getting her own way tho not being compliant with the rules. Im pretty sure this is the granddaughter that was sneaking out of the house so she’s not making wise decisions either. Tough love is needed whether drugs are involved or not. You are way too old to be living with this stress. Daughter and the kids can comply with the rules or live elsewhere. Period. Btw in Washington state if her boyfriend were to stay for very long or get just one piece of mail there you would then have to go thru the eviction process with him as well. Stand by your guns. I had to make a hard stance with a family member nearly 13 years ago and it probably contributed to saving that persons life. That hard stance came at great personal and financial cost to me but i never wavered from what needed to be done. A lot of years of a lot of tears but am happy to say that person turned their life around entirely, became very successful and is 100% standing on their own feet. At a substantially younger age than you are dealing with for your child. It’s not fair, its not easy but make decisions that you stand by. 

I meant if your granddaughter refuses to see you. And lastly, if you keep enabling this crappy, disrespectful behavior what will happen when you and your husband are no longer here? She needs to be self sufficient. 

Thanks, Shirley, Morticia, Sara and YOH. I appreciate your empathy, encouragement and suggestions. My daughter has used the threat of us never seeing the kids again to threaten us for the past 13 years, as soon as my granddaughter was born. She threatened it 10 years ago when we had her husband arrested for Domestic Violence (because I videotaped it!), and got a restraining order against him and made him move out. We actually had to get a lawyer (which the church paid for, PTL!) to fight for the right to continue to see my granddaughter, and won. It is very hard to see my granddaughter going down the same path her mother chose. We will not walk on egg shells with her as we did with her mom - letting her get her way because we were always trying to be careful to not set her off on a rampage. My 8-year-old grandson came up tonight and, parroting his mother screamed at me saying, “I’m sick of you always trying to ruin my life!” These are supposed to be our “golden years.” Instead, it is a life of turmoil, stress, disrespect, and unappreciation - all going on in our OWN home. Kicking out my daughter is the RIGHT thing to do. My counselor says we’re doing everything right and setting healthy boundaries. No matter what we do, we lose with my daughter - so we might as well lose with her GONE. My husband and I are trusting God to empower us to stick to our guns and to give us the strength to do the very hard things that need to be done. We do NOT want to lose our grandchildren, but we will no longer be manipulated and held hostage by the threat of that. God will take care of the kids, even if we are not in their lives. It is a heart-breaking situation, though, and I’m having a very hard time dealing with it. What I WANT to do is go to sleep and not wake up until it is all over. But I can’t. So, I shovel down the food, hoping to bury the negative emotions I’m feeling. The only positive thing that’s going on is that I’ve limited the caffeine to only 1 can of Diet Coke a day, if I get a headache. Otherwise, I’m drinking caffeine-free diet root beer, but still in excess. Oh, and my tooth extraction is healing well! Thanks again for any prayers offered in our behalf. Hugs are also appreciated. 

Debbie, when i was going thru my nightmare (which lasted about 8 years) with my family member my prayer was for God to heal them and if i never saw them again nor had a relationship with them i would be okay as would they in the knowledge that they were healing from the demon that was destroying that life. It sounds very much as if you have enabled and rewarded this horrific behavior and, as you have said, it has not worked. Rest peacefully knowing you are doing the right thing. Your daughter has been grown up for decades and yet is looking to you to house her, provide daycare and taxi services with no respect nor gratitude. Let her and the grandchildren see what it is like to care for themselves. You may go to your eternal rest without a good relationship with them or maybe it will heal but living with that kind of nastiness in your own home is unacceptable in every single solitary way it can be. You and your spouse deserve and are entitled to peace in your own home. 

Sending love, hugs and prayers 💗 

Oh dear Debbie, I am so sorry you are having to go through all this. Of course, I agree with the others. And the boyfriend sleeping there is such a bad influence on the children. It is our responsibility to control what we allow in our home. Once my sister wanted to come spend the night here with a boyfriend and my husband said yes she could. He was the head of the house so I couldn't stop them but decided if they came I would leave for the night. Maybe I would have gotten away with that and maybe I wouldn't have, but it would have been on his head. I know I haven't been around much but think of you all the time, and pray for you also. It is still hard here. I learned yesterday my husband bought a gun. This doesn't bode well. I'm trying to do everything he asks, quickly. Although his heart is getting weaker he still is quite strong. I couldn't live this life without the Lord. I too want to go to "sleep" and avoid all this anger. Much love to you sis.  

Debbie this is so sad as these are the years you and your hubby should be able to enjoy and it's far from enjoyment and it sounds like she's playing on your love for the kids and to keep you guys trapped into letting her do what she wants to do... I know you love your granddaughter and grandkids but if the kids are doing what she's doing to now it won't stop because they will see she gets everything she wants by saying or acting out and they will start doing that same thing no matter what you do it will be hard, but she's a grown adult and has kids I'd make sure she finds a place that she can afford and has the money for the rent and deposit and then help her get moved and let her live her life and grow up as right now she will never try to do better if you continue to let her treat you guys like that...your rules are not strict at all...also I know each state is different but in Indiana if someone moves in your house and has been there 30days and has a piece of mail come there you must go thru the court and evict them so her boyfriend trying to move in could be bad situation where you will have to evict him to if he stays long enough...Restraining orders/protective orders are able to be gotten even if the person threatens you in some way and you don't have to have it recorded here in Indiana...I'm praying for you and your hubby as this is very emotional time and emotional abuse..I went thru the same thing when my mom died 21yrs ago on Thanksgiving my brother was year older than me and had nobody left and I knew my mom always wanted me to make sure he had a place to live he was on drugs and still is but for 21yrs I gave to him like he was my child,let him bring girls over and alot more until couple years ago I told him no drugs I my house and he and his gf brought meth in my house and was selling it while me and my hubby were in bed asleep I made them leave and fend for himself and it was hard because I love him and didn't want him to be homeless but it was the best thing that I could have done... now he has his own place and he still asks me for help and money but I just tell him I am broke and it has caused him to grow up finally at age 45yr old. She may threaten and say things but eventually she will get over it... and then you can have the relationship between you and her and the kids you deserve... But right now you have to put your foot down and stick to your rules and what you need for yourself, then she may be mad at you for awhile but I'd say it won't take her long to come ask you for something and then you can repair the relationship and move forward on to a better one...I'll keep you in my prayers and thoughts.... 

also Debbie if drugs are not part of the problem why us the boyfriend even having to sneak in and trying to stay there he should have a place of his own and working to.. it sounds like drugs could be involved or she just feels entitled to do what she wants which in turn if you allow her to do that, why would she ever change? then the kids will have that same feeling of entitlement and it will continue with them... I pray drugs aren't involved and she will grow up and be successful on her own...  

Oh Debbie! My heart echoes all of the other comments. You are doing the right thing. There may be no way for this to end “nicely”. But you do need to stand firm. I will be praying for your family. I’ve been thru the legal process to evict a drug addicted son. It’s heartbreaking and very very very stressful. I still don’t feel free in my own home due to a couple of other grown sons who refuse to move out. But they are basically good guys, just loners and not going forward in life. Anyhow, I’m glad you have church and husband support. This is an insane time that we are living in. I’ve wanted to , and prayed to enter an eternal sleep hundreds of time . My heart is with you. Great news on the Diet Coke. Don’t beat yourself up about the root beer…..you’re doing the best you can at the moment. And sadly, yes, all of this affects our eating. I’ve gained about 6 pounds since summertime. I also deal with longgggggggggggggggggterm stress related to my husband. It’s very difficult sometimes. Hugs! 

Debbie, I'm so sorry to hear about what your family is going through. Your house, your rules. I'm sure it's heartbreaking and very stressful. At some point your granddaughter will come around. It may take some maturing. Your daughter has put you in the position of not being able to protect her or them, and on your own doorstep where you have to bear witness. It must be unbearable. This is the kind of stress that gives people heart attacks! Shame she doesn't use you as an excuse to get out of that horrible relationship as she has the opportunity to do right now! Thinking of you and wishing you the best possible outcome for all involved. 🤗 

Good for you regarding the eviction. Debbie, I am still extremely concerned about the physical abuse your granddaughter has experienced. She is in danger and though you didn’t share physical abuse towards your grandson, he is witnessing violence at a minimum. You shared that your daughter tried to choke out her daughter and they got into a physical fight. If you SUSPECT abuse you need to make the phone call. It can be anonymous. If you shared this incident with your counselor they are mandated by law to report this as suspected abuse. I am a Christ follower, mother and grandmother and I am urging you to make the call to protect your grandchildren. Do not wait until next time, she abused your granddaughter period. I am praying for you, your husband, your grandchildren, and your daughter. 🙏🏼 

Placing you and your family in our "Book of Intentions". my whole church pays for the needs we place there for prayer. That is hundreds praying for Peace, Health and Resolutions for you and your family. Gods blessings on each of you.