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I am sitting in the infrared sauna this morning as it is so cold. I normally try have a meditation in here but there are so many thoughts coming thru this morning, I thought I would type a journal instead - until the phone overheats 😆. I have some amazing friends and one in particular who I will see this afternoon and has known me for twenty years (and therefore witnesses the huge weight gain), always tells me I look beautiful at any size. As I was reflecting on this consistent comment this morning, I know this to be true, I feel beautiful on the inside and this radiates on the outside and I always try find a nice outfit regardless of size, so for me it’s not about feeling beautiful. It’s about carrying around 35kgs every day and how tiring this is. It’s about wanting to go to the beach 400 metres away but dreading the walk back up the hill and that’s when the reality of it affecting my day to day life kicks in. I can’t go for the hikes, I can’t dance my way up the hill (at the moment). I remember the point where I started to disrespect my body - we moved to Tokyo in 2005, it was a massive change, I took a job I didn’t know how to do in a new industry and started working 15 hours a day to “achieve” - I was stressed to the max, didn’t get enough food or sleep and compensated by partying after a day in investment banking. I piled on 15kgs despite Japanese food being healthy and me eating when I remembered. I accepted the new 80kg person and thought “once I get on top of this job it will all be ok”. It was 7 years later when I eventually threw in the towel with burnout. I started to take care of myself and although the weight will still there I felt better. Fast forward 4 years and menopause comes knocking - not many symptoms for me other than hot flushes and a 20kg weight gain. My friends and family scratch their head cause they know I eat well - I find that comforting that they believe me. So I work on accepting this fact and loving myself at any size. Now to the present moment - forget that fu****ing loving yourself for a moment - my whole body is in pain, my knee is crumbling from the weight and I am spending all the time being kind to myself - whilst this is importance for mental health, this requires massive action and so everytime I have a week of no weight loss (and of course this will come), I will remind myself why I am doing this - for my health, so I can play at the beach everyday and to reduce pain. So I will stick to my F800 everyday and make good choices and have my knee done mid Sept - not to look “beautiful” but to regain my quality of life with a positive mindset and never giving up!!!! Who’s with me?
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94.8 kg
Lost so far: 4.3 kg.
Still to go: 29.8 kg.
Diet followed: Reasonably Well.
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651 kcal
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Fat: 15.02g | Prot: 71.37g | Carbs: 53.21g.
Breakfast: Coffee with Milk. Lunch: Sushi, Miso Soup. Dinner: Arnott's Cruskits Original, Nutra Organics Chicken Bone Broth, Yellowtail Sashimi, Salmon Sashimi, Tuna Sashimi. Snacks/Other: Orange Juice. more...
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steady weight
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