Well, I'm back. I return to you now with my tail between my legs, having monumentally failed to maintain my weight after ending my year-long diet back in August. I don't know my current weight - I'm not mentally prepared for that demoralising disappointment just yet, though it's safe to say I've put on at least 20kg since then. That's six months of progress utterly obliterated in just 12 weeks of eating and a drinking like the fat fucking moron I am.
I gave away all my fat guy clothes as some kind of incentive/commitment to maintain my weight, though now I'm too fat for what's left in my wardrobe. I've been wearing the same tight-fitting pair of cargo shorts for weeks now because I'm not ready to admit defeat by buying new fat pants. They say a goldfish will grow to suit the size of its tank. Similarly, I know I will grow to fill bigger pants, and that I cannot abide. Let these constrictive cargo shorts serve as both a constant reminder that I fucked up, and a measure of my progress towards fixing it.
Today is Day 2 of a return to starving to death on 1600kcal-ish and one meal a day. Day 2 is always the hardest. By now my body has figured out what I'm doing and is pulling out all the stops to convince me to eat the bag of delicious, zesty, slightly sweet Bundaberg Ginger Beer flavoured chips (pictured) that I hid out of sight in the back of my pantry... But my mind is winning the battle, because it knows what comes after the chips: the greasy-fingered, post-chip spiral of self loathing that only leads to more eating and further despair.
December is a really shit time to re-start a diet, and I expect to be re-starting it multiple times this month. Alongside Christmas and NYE celebrations, I also have various work parties, kids birthday parties, a child-free 40th, and a 4-day camping trip to enjoy. Also, the humidity of summer (and my total inability to endure it with grace and dignity) always brings out my inner nihilist. I know my diet won't survive some of these hurdles - I 100% know and accept this, though if I keep on my current path of drive-thru self destruction, sprinkled with chippy crumbs as it is, I'll easily put on another 5kg by 2024. Doing nothing to prevent that inevitability is not an option! My plan for December is to enjoy the few days that are meant to be enjoyed, but to stick to my diet on the days where I have no good excuse not to. I won't lose any weight this month, especially if I go heavy on the mini quiches and party pies, though I shouldn't put any weight on either, and that's totally fine. To maintain is my goal. I will ride out the December storms and find sure footing come 2024.
