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I'm fucking this up, and it needs to stop, today! After a year of starving to death to lose 45kg, I'm now packing it back on faster than the First Law of Thermodynamics should allow - over 12kg in the last month! What the actual fucking fuck is that!?
At the end of August, I celebrated my year of fat-fighting success with a solo beach camping trip, during which I treated myself to all manner of formerly forlorned foodstuffs, drank like a fish, and read books to the soundtrack gently crashing waves; briefly free from the cacophony and responsibility of keeping miniature Mussolinis' alive. It was fucking mint!
Hence my homecoming from that beachside bliss, I've struggled to get my diet back in gear. I've fallen back into a pattern of failure that I recognise all too well from the before times; a pattern of telling myself that "My diet starts again tomorrow!" while I wait in line at the KFC drive-thru. I've now blown through nearly a month of tomorrows, and I'm 12kg the worse for it.
At the start of this diet, I used this journal to force self reflection; to help me identify my ongoing patterns of stupidity, and call out my own bullshit. It worked then, so fingers and toes crossed it works again now. This journal was also a means of manufacturing some accountability; hoping you fine people would encourage me to stay the path. No pressure, but if I fuck up this diet again, I'm totally blaming you lot for not encouraging hard enough... Kidding, of course! If I fuck this diet up again and return with my tail between my legs, I give you lot full permission to rip me a new one, because I'll damn well deserve it.
A point of fact that I need to drill into my skull is that I've been really unhappy with myself these past few weeks. Yeah the garbage food I've been eating tastes nice during the fleeting moments I have it in my mouth, though I feel like a fat sack of crap immediately afterwards - I truly hate myself for my total lack of self control. The misery of it just leads to more eating; another classic pattern of failure.
No longer, I say! TDX00, you will stick to the following daily plan or so help me dog, you'll have me to deal with! This is your life now. You've had your fun, but it's time to get back to work. There's no use being a whiny little bitch about it:
- Count and consume 1600kcal
- Take your vitamins
- Drink an unhealthy amount of black coffee
- Go for a walk (no less than 3 days per week).
- Always remember, this isn't just for you, it's for little Benito and Benita too.
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103 kg
Lost so far: 35.3 kg.
Still to go: 13 kg.
Diet followed: Reasonably Well.
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View Diet Calendar, 25 September 2023:
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1526 kcal
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Fat: 74.85g | Prot: 159.10g | Carbs: 38.30g.
Breakfast: Woolworths Select Corn Cob, Musashi Deluxe Protein Peanut Crunch, Coles Chicken Kebabs with Sticky BBQ Rub. more...
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Gaining 3.4 kg a Week
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1 to 20 of 22
 Comments
We're here mate... do you want cracking whips or virtual hugs? Both? You know you're going to lose some of that pretty quickly once you get back to your OMAD... Just step away from the KFC queue for the time being!!!
25 Sep 23 by member: lizpackard09
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Mate don’t beat yourself up. I know it’s tough you can do this since you have already proven that can!!! Your post made me giggle though, so relatable 😂
25 Sep 23 by member: Thurid123
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We all fall of the wagon and I bet till you found yourself in the KFC queue it all felt great. At least you have a plan to get back on track. Allow yourself a treat day once a fortnight to enjoy your favourites in moderation. So long as it doesn't include franchise food.
25 Sep 23 by member: Tommytoff
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It is completely relatable so don't beat yourself on this. Yeah you put on weight, yeah you have been unhappy. So what! We all want to feel our life is smooth sailing like the other person that we think their life is. The truth is it's in our mind and what we think about others is purely our rise colour glasses. The point is, try to find out truly why you are hurting yourself. From there start to see a way out.
I am struggling to get back on my journey. I am finding out that if I am on journey I am hurting myself and if I am not on this journey still I am hurting myself. The journey should be natural but it is not. So, the pleasure to be on this journey got to be bigger than the pain not to be on the journey. Find one or the other that you are happy to be with.
25 Sep 23 by member: bestees.au
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But, you've still lost 35kg since starting, and only have 18 to go. Piece of piss 👍
25 Sep 23 by member: spicehorn
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sounds like you have a plan it worked before will work again. Remember we are all human and fall off the wagon at times. I believe once you start again the 12 kgs will come off as quickly as it went on. You have gone so well this last year. Take care
25 Sep 23 by member: Robpk
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Here here! To all these comments, wise words. We are all here for you! Sometimes it takes a period of “relapse” to come to terms with what’s driving us, as @bestees.au says, it’s about what is driving you to “self destruct” that’s the real issues we all must face. It’s not the food, or the weight, it’s about what is making us lose our commitment to self. We all have a little gremlin and a Guru on our shoulder, whipspering into our ears. It takes a lot of self reflection/discipline to ignore the gremlin, and listen to the Guru! But at the end of the day it’s about how much you really love and forgive yourself. Forgiving ourselves is the only way to get the gremlin out of your ear. The more we chastise ourselves the more power the gremlin has to whisper temptation. Forgive yourself💗You can lose the weight again. And you can grow stronger in your commitment to self. It just goes to show that all of this is about maintenance- we don’t lose the goal weight then it’s “all done”. To keep the weight off takes just as much discipline as to lose the weight. Staying stable, I’ve come to realise IS the commitment. The commitment is literally an ongoing daily maintenance program of discipline. For ever! Doesn’t mean you can’t ever eat KFC or have a beer, but it has to be counterbalanced, the next day or that week, that is the commitment we are making to ourselves. I too have had relapse and gained 12-15kg (after losing my goal 25kg- so Devi’s). After that, I realised I must always be disciplined in my weight, I must do this forever- or I’m going to gain all that weight right back. I’ve accepted this- and I’m now using this app as a tool to keep me disciplined and self aware (otherwise I’d eat tiramisu ALLLL DAYY mf’s!)
What is going to drive you to stay disciplined this time around? For me What drives me is that I don’t want to be unhappy in my body, I’ve spent too many years being unhappy in my body. I want to love myself and forgive myself and not be a Slave to this gremlin on my shoulder. I’ve accepted the fact that even after I get back to my goal, I’ll have to stick to this for a long time if I’m going to keep the weight off. But now I WANT to, because I’ve accepted that part of loving myself is taking action to look after myself, even if it’s not “comfortable” and it’s not going to stop when I get to goal weight. Figure out what is driving you and forgive yourself -for everything!! You can do this!
25 Sep 23 by member: LowCalorieMallory
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Aawww hugs it’s a bugger being human I always say Monday I will start being good on Monday, Mondays roll around, however yesterday was the Monday one day of being good and I’m struggling, trying to do Optifast to kick start, my belly button is stuck to my spine I am so hungry, I have caved and having a cup of raw cabbage 🥹, I made the mistake of adding a tablespoon of french dressing who knew there were so many calories in a tablespoon. I am going to bed at 6pm so I don’t raid the fridge, hope it doesn’t follow me, I know there are goodies in there. I am sure you will bounce back and I will follow how you go and if you need to resort to raw cabbage 👍👍
26 Sep 23 by member: Leehoward
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You are only human and we are all flawed, not just you. Your words are so relatable, after losing a lot of weight in the past I would start eating "normal" and gain it back again. I have finally come to realise being accountable for what I eat and recording it daily is how I have to be for life.
You have done amazing before and you will do amazing again. I bet these12kg will come off quickly as youknuckle down, a lot of it is possibly fluid as all that salt in takeaway holds on to it. Maybe go back to the start of your food journal and look at what you ate then and try to copy it. Once your in the right mind set give yourself a treat day once a fortnight but only for one meal,
26 Sep 23 by member: Katfish76
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Hang in there. We have your back. And we have all at one time or other thought we've fallen of the waggon (just getting myself back on track too). Piece of advice, if it helps, delete the 'D' word from your vocabulary forever! Think of this journey as a permanent change in lifestyle, not a diet. As a way of coping with punishment/reward cravings (junk food), find a lifestyle friendly alternative fast! My food 'treat' is fresh Salmon- expensive but worth saving up for.
26 Sep 23 by member: Dash Daff
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That’s why we call it a lifestyle choice and to be quite frank- sometimes you want a fucking different one!!!! The positive is if you have done it once (or twice, even thrice) you can do it again!!! As we all know the only time you ever truly fail is when you stop trying at all!!! Head up you got this- I support you 100%!!!
P.S the tiny Mussolinis are my cats!!! Such a fabulous term of endearment!!!
27 Sep 23 by member: JayCee77!
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No dramas, you live, you laugh, you cry and you are now buckling up for the tough stuff.
However get rid of the can't have good stuff thinking and take the time to explore the massive world of alternative options. If cooking is your thing you can create chicken that goes way beyond KFCand so many other treats, cookbooks, online recipes, youtube etc.
So many more exercise options available to, expand your food and exercise horizons so they are not boring or hard work.
28 Sep 23 by member: It’s Time
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It's so hard I completely understand the struggle. I'm no better than you in my efforts, I've been there before. All I can say is each day is a new start, NEVER give up!!
You've done it before you can do it again.
Load up with vegetables & heaps of water and hopefully that will turn the cravings signal off for you. I know that when I'm getting heaps of healthy food in my brain is not so inclined to binge on the crap.
All the best!!
28 Sep 23 by member: mrsm14516
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Massive hugs and support from me..who is also struggling atm
29 Sep 23 by member: flossyflu
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don't be so hard on yourself. you fell off the horse, it happens. back on and come back stronger 💪.
29 Sep 23 by member: Joel.west988
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I often follow the self destructive path of [The Tomorrow Diet]Hopefully this time I will be able to finally say goodbye to that Tomorrow Diet. My motivation is: Two cruises and a Total Knee Replacement so I will be able to enjoy the cruises.
01 Oct 23 by member: lqtmerrick
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If you are starving yourself at 1600, reset to 2000 for 3mths and see what happens and make minor adjustments from there. Everybody would eventually fail if the diet is too restrictive.
01 Oct 23 by member: Ben.user
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Putting 12kg back on is very frustrating but give yourself a pat on the back for catching the weight gain before it's 45kg !!!
04 Oct 23 by member: Sallyjeanm
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still 33kg ahead mate, bloody good effort and nothing to be disappointed about, move on from starving yourself to being more active to stabilise your gains
07 Oct 23 by member: WinkX
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Sounds like you are in yo-yo dieting he'll yo! Take it from me, it only gets worse. Starve yourself to lose weight then 'break' your diet one day and it's down the rabbit hole, deeper than before. Why do this to yourself?
Get on KETO! From a yo-yo dieter from way back, this is the best way to lose weight. No deprivation, you can eat whatever you want, with the right substations. But your energy levels go so high it's OK, you've got the energy to cook your food, make your treats, enjoy food. Plus once you're in ketosis you are not hungry! Perfect! Forcing yourself to eat, priceless 🙂🤣😃
Check our Dr Eric Berg on YouTube, he is the man with all the answers. All ya gotta do it watch videos and cut carbs and that's it.
08 Oct 23 by member: SharLee7
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