STOP. FUCKING. UP. YOUR. DIET. YOU. STUPID. FAT. HOBBIT!!!
I've been having the hardest time getting my diet back on track after my kids brought a friend home from daycare a few weeks ago. The friend was some kind of fucked-up, codeine-defying, super virus, and its favourite game to play was to make my brain feel like it was going to exsanguinate out my eye sockets for a solid week as I dangled helplessly on the edge of sanity. Darkness took me as I strayed out of thought and time...
As to the diet, every day starts off absolutely perfect - I count everything, I stick to the plan. Then comes dinner time, with delicious, home-cooked meals prepared just how I like them, because I'm usually the one who cooked them. Not until it's ready to serve do the dark voices start to whisper and work their twisted witchcraft; "Just taste it. What harm could a single, tiny, taste bring? After all, why not? Why shouldn't you taste it. You made it!" Then as quick as the nazgul flies, a taste becomes a spoonful, becomes a bowlful, becomes a remorseful father sitting on a tiny stool at the kids' table, wolfing down leftovers, swearing yet again that he'll get his diet back on track tomorrow.
I need to hire a guy for a few days. He'd have just two jobs; telling me over and over that I've come too far to fuck this up now, and physically slapping food out of my hands. Just until I can get my diet back in gear. I'm not sure what it costs to hire a person for 72 hours, though I'm certain I can't afford it, so that guy is going to have to be me.
I have an idea that I'm sure will make my wife's blood boil and involve an unfair amount of bargaining and whip cracking, though it's the best idea I have. I'm going to submit a formal request to my wife to cook dinner for the next three days and that I be out of the room during dinner time. I only hope that she will be able to see through the rage that this short-term inconvenience will be an investment in my long-term well being.
For clarity, I only eat two meals a day; breakfast and second breakfast. The second breakfast takes places roughly 20 minutes after the first, when I realise that I still have a few hundred calories left to eat during my 1-hour eating window.
36kg down, 20kg to go. Don't fuck it up.
